Glory to God for the gift of Gabriel

Kevin, my strong Christian leader, husband, best friend and now caregiver, keeps things so lucid in my head. He has the gift of clarity and conciseness. It’s only right to start with his words from an email sent early on Sunday morning Jan. 26 to our Grace Group/Wednesday night small group friends who we were supposed to go to Sunday brunch with.

“Our baby was born at 11:54 last night. Praise the Lord! His name is Gabriel and he has gone to be with Jesus. He was stillborn. Lee and I are so thankful for the love God has shown us! Thank you all for all of your prayers. We really did feel them and they got us through this time.”

We are having a graveside service at Memorial Park cemetery Wednesday at 11 am. In lieu of flowers, please praise God with us and pray for continued peace and patience. Or check out www.forrestspencefund.org to learn more about one of my role models.

No doubt, on Wednesday I will be crying and reeling from emotional and physical pain. And hormones? Forget-about-it.  I will warmly embrace tight hand squeezes in lieu of full hugs. (Remember the phrase “in lieu” is only reserved for really, really important things.)  As I told a friend today, I resemble more of a mummy than a mommy at certain moments. =) Hug Kevin extra tight. And our parents and our two sisters.  Our sisters are both excellent criers. You’ll recognize them instantly. I LOVE THEM BOTH and we are so honored they’re both flying in to be with us. Safe travels to them and Kevin’s parents. Love is descending upon Memphis, TN.

Tears aside, Wednesday we will celebrate the life of a child spared from the pains of our broken world. At its core, it is a joyous time to gather to present back to God someone who was already His. To emphasize that, we’re encouraging people to treat it in the celebratory nature we intend. I’ll be wearing a bright red coat for three reasons: Christian funerals should be joyous and colors indicate joy; it’s among my warmest coats and it’ll be about 27 degrees and windy; and thirdly, like any new mom will find valuable: it fits without popping the buttons!!

I got the idea this morning to encourage others to wear bright colors, if it suits them, because of a memory from attending my best friend’s mom’s funeral almost a year ago. Everyone was in black, like we tend to be at funerals, and everyone was freezing because they quite naturally – myself included - allowed society’s standards to trump personal warmth. That is everyone except the two precious little girls of my best friend’s brother. They came as they were – something God tells us to do every day. The two girls wore their bright pink warm jackets, and they happily trotted alongside their parents as the extended family walked from the family car to the grave. I remember thinking at the time of how perfectly appropriate their behavior was in God’s eyes. Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. And do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 19: 14.

 So do what you want; come as you are; be warm in heart and spirit because we certainly won’t be warm in that weather! Now, don’t read it this way: “Must buy hot pink coat that I’ll never wear again so Lee will know I love her. No, no, crazy friend. No, no. Colorful ear muffs would be fine and then you get the bonus of being extra sweet AND extra warm.” Also kidding. Wear what you already own; come as you are!

I don’t possess the gift of brevity like my husband, but I do have time to sit, rest, recover and continue my written therapy. That’s what the rest of this is; take it or leave it. =)

It’s a BOY! That was a surprise, but then again the last 48 hours have been full of surprises. The only thing that wasn’t surprising is God’s everlasting touch of comfort and peace around us. At some point, I’ll probably share the Godly experiences from the time we walked into the hospital Saturday afternoon thinking I was experiencing normal pre-term contractions until current day. This isn’t the time for that. This is the time to praise our Lord together for giving us a tiny life lived to unite us to our brothers and sisters in Christ, to unify our marriage, to crystallize our purpose.

Like Kevin said, Gabriel Holt went from womb to heaven some time before a steadily labored, Holy Spirit empowered, calm, breeched birth Saturday night. It’s nice that our human part of the work wrapped up just minutes before the Lord’s Day, a day of rest. He was 5 lbs and 1 oz. He was 17 inches long. Although I never saw him nor held him in my arms, I know every inch of him and every ounce – as only a mother knows. Gabriel had collected appreciable fluid since our last ultrasound just three days before when the estimate was just under 3 pounds. Saturday was 31 weeks to the day.

The Bible’s Gabriel – of the Old and New Testaments – was a messenger of God. God the Father sent Gabriel to run important errands for Him on earth, but heaven was always his home. Like Gabriel of the Bible, Baby Gabriel Holt’s feet never touched the ground on earth. In hindsight, I like that. I spent so much time thinking we were having a girl that I didn’t think about the ramifications of our selected boy name until now.

Our son Gabriel was a messenger of hope for Kevin and me; a reminder of God’s love for us; a miracle in his mere existence. He was a personal miracle since we thought it took us a long time to conceive. He was a family miracle because he brought me closer to my parents. He was a community miracle because he brought me closer to my church family and my friends – old and new. A few of our most encouraging friends are ones we simply wouldn’t have known were it not for our son.

God has no limits and there is room for more miracles after miracles after miracles that we will never know of. We’ll never know they happened, or will happen one day. I learned from my original Bible Study leader who died earlier in 2013 that the greatest prayer is one of praise – that God be glorified. It was always her first prayer request before asking for healing of her cancer. To God alone be the glory. Kevin and I continue to ask for that as our No. 1 prayer request.

At church our 30-somethings Sunday School class is broken into smaller community groups. We have “shepherds,” couples in their mid-50s who lead each group serving as mentors, friends, and companions – with more experience in their faith walk and in life – to guide us and party with us and pray with us along this big weird road trip that is life on earth.  

Obviously, the leaders are called shepherds because we’re pulling from the Bible, our blueprint on how to try to live. (Emphasis on try).

I’m so glad I’m a sheep of the One True God – that “the Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.” Not because I have what I want in this life, but because I’ll have eternal life in heaven.  My shepherd is the only One who can offer that; he’s the only One who sent His son to die for our sins to save us a place in heaven with Him and with our perfectly made son. (By the way, our Gabriel is whole and complete now. He has two good kidneys; his warped bones are straight and strong; his lungs are clear; his swelling is gone; his soul is secure). My shepherd is the only One who accepts us the way we are – inwardly deformed, sinful, fallen by our very nature – and He says that’s Ok. He loves us anyway. He loved us first. Hooray for that! And hooray that scripture also says Jesus is coming back to earth some day and “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4). I would be cool with Jesus coming back today.

We are very sad. Very sad.

But our grief reveals our love for our son – and we wanted him to feel loved. ((Dear G., Sorry about calling you a girl so often, sweet Gabriel – that’s explains your increasing kicks of protest as we routinely rubbed you good night in the last few weeks. =) My bad. Just goes to show God the Father knows more than the mommy on earth – down to the tiniest of details.))

As deep as our love for our son is, it’s nice to know God the Father loves us even more deeply. For that, we praise Him.

“For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.”

-          Psalm 129: 13-18

Ease On Down The Road

It’s wrong to think about food first, but again, we’ve been so blessed near and far by the people who are pitching in and keeping our 2.23 tummies full. Thank you, thank you. The oven part of our gas range broke this week and I haven’t had to use the oven itself thanks in large part to the kindness of others (and my love of pasta), so I’m a happy girl. Kevin says he can fix it. I say it’s stove shopping time! We’ll see how that pans out. Pans out – get it?!!!! Ah, me….

We’ve had our latest appointment with our baby girl. That’s the first news –  she seems to still be a girl! Never certainty with that due to the no amniotic fluid, but it’s good enough for us. Second, her abdominal fluid has doubled; not what I was hoping for. Hello, manna for the moment. We will gobble you up and praise, praise, praise for today’s time with our little lady – even this moment. They gave us a weight estimate for the first time: 2 lbs 13 oz. That’s about 23% of where other babies would be. They gave us a 4D view for a minute and it was beautifully and uniquely ours. Fortunately, she seems to have Kevin’s nose. She has my open mouth and constantly moving lips. =) Kevin was with me this time, so they gave us extra time together. I love our nurse. Giving, they are. Yoda-sized, baby is.

We’ve gotten a lot of prep work done since we don’t know what kind of time table we’re working with. We’ve picked out a plot at Memphis’ Memorial Park in the original Babyland. We’re not putting hard money down until the time is upon us – cue the miracle!!, but the prep is part of the process and we’ve found a peaceful spot nestled among babies from the 40s and 50s and there’s something cool about that to us. We’ve lined up a local artist who does newborn hand impressions in clay and a wonderfully supportive photographer who does volunteer shots with a national group called “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.” She said we’ll want it even if we experience a stillborn birth and even if we don’t look at the pictures for 10 years. She’s done this a lot, and she says we’ll still want, so we are doing it. I trust her. As God would have it, of the four photographers who do this volunteer work in MS and TN, she is not only the best based on her portfolio, but she is a strong Christian; she has a sister named Shannon; and she was best friend’s with her grandmother. Those who’ve known me my whole life will see the similarities shining through in that long sentence. My scrapbook is a growing box full of love; it just needs to be organized and, well, scrapbooked – not my forte – but a friend is letting me dump it on her, and I’m sure it’ll come back to us wonderfully made.

In non-baby news, Kevin’s position at work was terminated. It was a surprise – corporate cutbacks – a January necessity – nothing personal. He had been there six months – last in, first out, as they say. God is as in control of our finances as He is our health, and we are doing great. Kevin is a planner, a provider, a leader and a family man. Kevin walks the walk. We’re blessed to have a generous severance especially since he worked there for such a short time. Don’t confuse our dependence on God with a lack of effort or involvement to excel in our lives on earth. We use the brains He gave us. We are working like dogs to find the next best job opportunity, and we are not idle. We are so thankful for the men and women who are also networking on our behalf and pointing us in promising directions. Personally, it has been a tremendous blessing to have Kevin by my side at the funeral home and at all the weird places we’re going – big and small. I broke down while returning a shirt with a snag in it at the maternity store the other day, and he was there to say my name and phone number and address when I couldn’t speak through the sobs. I think our shared experiences are also wonderful to prepare his heart for our journey together toward the future. Most dads don’t feel like dads until the actual birth, but Kevin is getting to take the baby steps – ha! – with me now. Although incredibly painful, those steps will, in hindsight, become cherished memories of us being united as a couple and standing under God in peace with Him and with joy for our baby girl. 31 weeks as of today. Peace out.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4: 6-7

A girl, Grandmum and glucose

We celebrated Christmas a week early with my parents in Memphis, which meant a gorgeous rack of lamb, umpteen presents and lots of love all in a candlelit Colonial Williamsburg setting. This is not me painting a pretty picture of the quaint life of retirees. My parents really live in a cottage covered in ivy, really don’t have a microwave, and really prefer dinner parties illuminated by fireplaces and candles rather than electricity, which “can cast an ugly light on guests.” Wait, what are you saying, Mom? Please don’t get me wrong, I love her style and her stances. I could bottle the strength of her opinions and sell them as high octane fuel for the faint of heart. Or our government could use them to blow people away without ever seeing it coming. In fact, a very obvious God-made part of this journey has been that I’ve never been closer to my mom. She’s been loving and supportive, and if it makes her feel better to feed me a second lunch from time to time, I’m happy to help her satisfy her motherly instincts.

Then we set out for Christmas in New Jersey. We broke the 17-hour drive into two days: 14.75 hours from Memphis to Harrisburg, PA in my 2001 Camry with 190,000 miles on it – you know, our good car. It was, um, uncomfortable. But I alternated between sweets and salts and waters and bathrooms, and we made it. I only tried to crawl under the seat once and I never swung at Kevin who was singing songs and reassuring me the whole way. We have two labs. The good one (Kevin’s dog Maisy) comes with us. She gets the back seat with fluffy toys and a sheet protecting the car seats and cushioning her ride. The enthusiastic one (my dog Samson) stays at the kennel in Memphis. Sammy has too much heart to fit in the car much less in my in-law’s home. Like the Dixie Chicks, he needs Wide Open Spaces. 

Day Two of our Holt Family Road Adventure – keep in mind we’ve done this for the last three years – we pick up Kevin’s 97-year-old grandmother in Mechanicsburg, PA and make the final three-hour drive into New Jersey. I wanted to be fresh for this leg of the trip – I hadn’t seen my in-laws since our baby news, and I wanted them to see that I was Ok – clean, well rested, and bright-eyed. Kevin finally had a Christmas carol singing partner in “Grandmum” and someone who appreciated, no was enraptured in giddy joy by, his Paul McCartney impersonations. I was on the back seat with Maisy and some luggage. This year the walker fit in the trunk, a very good thing. Grandmum is doing great – a constant inspiration to us. She is sharp as a tack, independent, ready for anything, and makes me smile to hear her stories. Her only sign of aging, other than bones that have bent with time, is her vision. When Kevin turned on the windshield wipers to wash off the bugs, she began a 10-minute process of unfolding and putting on her clear plastic hair cover. It wasn’t raining and we were still an hour from home, but she was going to be ready – and she didn’t need help. Let’s face it: her generation does not take chances when it comes to having perfectly placed hair. She also brought her own water bottle – to soothe her singing throat and minimize stops. I love her. During our visit, she put me to shame – fewer potty breaks, better outfits, and more energy than I could muster. I got to eat all the chocolates with nuts though! That’s one point for  Big Mama, still in my PJs at 10 am while she had gotten up who knows how early to not only be dressed for breakfast but to put on a Christmas pin to match her earrings for the day. LOVE HER. She is such a wonderful role model for how to live at any age – with a patient and positive attitude, spirited sense of humor, and do-it-yourself determination.

Christmas was a blast – family, food, fun. My Bonus Parents are the best - greatest huggers of all time; the most generous and gracious hostesses. We enjoyed good fellowship with friends and honorary aunts and uncles and their grown kids and their kids, too. Uncle Kevin had tons of fun wrestling with our nephew and niece. The days were filled with laughter and relaxation, and the nights were filled with steak, scallops, chicken parm, homemade meatballs, standing rib roast, candied bacon, chocolate pie, homemade cookies, sister’s FAMOUS cupcakes, and hugs, hugs, and hugs. We shared some really special moments the more loved ones I got to see and share our Ok-ness with. In short, I’ve never felt so loved. Good folks abound in the Garden State. They are my family and I adore them.

Next thing I know we’re heading 17 hours southward, broken into two days, just in time to celebrate New Year’s Eve with my Love. Lobster tails, taters, and we were GOING to have sparkling cider for me and crème Brule for dessert. But (insert sound of screeching brakes here) I went cold turkey on sugar because my nurse called that afternoon to say I failed my glucose test. I can’t say that I was surprised. Sugar is my friend. Roundness is my specialty. Every day I wake up, I achieve a New High Score – not that I care, but for some reason the nurses keep tally of that sort of thing. And when you have an ultrasound every two weeks, there’s no shortage of data to pile up. (Seems like my weight chart was like that little yodeling hiker on the Price Is Right who merrily chugs up the mountain and you hope he stops before he falls off the cliff so the nice lady who doesn’t respect personal space can win a toaster. I mean, that’s what I’d envision; it’s not that I’ve ever watched that show.) Plus, it was Lady Santa season. Plus the winter look is to layer. Plus I get hungry at night and even Cheerios has 1 gram of sugar in it. Plus maternity clothes are wonderful and I may never give them up. Plus I would have offended holiday hostesses from Memphis to “the City” if I didn’t sample a selection of their lovingly prepared treats. I am Southern; hear me hum as I fully enjoy a yummy something.

But, I really didn’t want gestational diabetes, so I purged on oatmeal, blueberries, salmon, raw almonds, salad, beans, walnuts and Greek yogurt for exactly seven days until my next test. Fortunately for my planner brain, this coincided with January 1, the “NEW YEAR!!” so we called it a week-long detox and Kevin joined me in every step except the skipping alcohol part. He is human after all. Instead of snacking, I also reorganized practically every storage space in our entire 1,165-square-foot castle, including our t-shirt drawer, which doubled capacity without getting rid of a single shirt. A few of you will find that last sentence to be the one thing you want to email me privately about. And I can’t blame you. The tip is that good.

It’ll sound crazy but I enjoyed the four-hour full test at my doctor’s office. You have to understand how awesome my doctor is. He came to sit with me and visit for awhile. He showed me a funny youtube video. He told me about his fan rage during a recent NFL game. He is wonderful and genuine and kind. Another God note: I didn’t realize it until a couple of weeks before Christmas but my doctor was really, really good friends with my uncle who passed away from cancer July 5, 2012. My uncle was also an OBGYN and my doctor was so close that he helped care for my uncle during his in-home hospice care in his final weeks/days. I can’t tell you how often my Mom has said she wished she could talk to her brother about our baby situation. So when she found out the two extremely well respected professionals were beyond tight, she felt like she had the reassurance that she had longed for. Thank you, Lord! God knows the full story before we have a clue. I see that time and time again.

When I told our doctor whose niece I was, his immediate response was “You’re going to make me cry” as he leaned against a counter for instinctive support. He had already been incredibly kind to us for months when he didn’t know our connection. Now he knew who he was serving and it truly affected him. He is solid gold to me. And his staff is just as awesome as he is: loving, caring, supportive, often flat-out hilarious too….. He’s in private practice, which means he maintains a small, clean, personal waiting area – unlike the puppy mill waiting rooms I’ve been in before where if you’re crying, they charge you per tissue and announce over the loudspeaker something like: ‘the crying area is down the hall and to your right, but first please follow the flags to the billing window on your way to sign the waiver acknowledging you may or may not have future crying that would activate the Multiple Tissue Pricing Plan.’

So in short, I would’ve been fine in the waiting area with his other patients, but it is a four-hour test with blood drawn each hour, so they let me hang out in a private room where I could watch videos, talk on the phone, and be insulated from other new mommies who ask well intentioned questions that lead to my awkward answers. Long story short, I passed the full test – thanks to God and the salmon He created because I had some serious sugar to counter physically. That same day we had an ultrasound like normal except this time they discovered two new things about our baby: possible gender and possible life expectancy change. The happier news is that the umbilical cord was lying behind our baby’s legs so the blood in the cord allowed for our nurse to see a little bit more clearly between baby’s legs. It didn’t look like a boy so they think she’s a girl! Of course, we still have no amniotic fluid; therefore no crystal clear determination, but this is good enough for me to refer to her as a she from now on. I didn’t like saying “it” and grocery store strangers first question is always “what’s the gender?” so it’s nice to have a one-word answer now that hopefully won’t lead to more Stranger Danger questions.

The second piece of new information also came from our ultrasound. This time, for the first time, it showed our baby has started to collect fluid in her abdomen – at 28.5 weeks. We will learn much more at the next two-week ultrasound because the abdominal fluid will have either: disappeared, stayed the same, or increased possibly filling other parts of her. That last option is what I don’t want because I want to make it to late March for a live birth. I want just a few minutes to say hello before saying goodbye – until I see her in heaven, of course. I know God will present the path for us that IS best for us, and I know His will may not align with my desire for a live birth. I’m Ok with that because He knows what I can and should handle and/or experience, and He will protect me – even from myself and my naturally sinful and often wayward heart. My entire life is already written on God’s heart so what counts is how I respond to His actions, not what those actions actually are going to be. Time will tell and God will provide – each minute of each day in a manner that is best. Sometimes people pray for what they want and forget the “Thy will be done” part of every prayer. Please don’t forget that part if you’re out there praying for us and our baby. Sometimes well meaning Christians think faith equals no pain. But if you do “look it up, dear” (awesome ‘80s TV encyclopedia ad reference), the text is clear that suffering is a normal part of the Christian walk. It’s a given, not a maybe. It’s different for everyone and comes in all shapes and sizes. You may not hear about it if you’re not entrenched in a community of believers. But I garrre-ruuuunnn-tee (now I can’t stop making TV references) you’ll realize it once you really get to know other Bible believing Christians. It’s there just under the surface waiting for someone to ask a follow up to the polite preliminary “How are you?”

Keep in mind 28 weeks is the average time in which this kidney condition is diagnosed. So it makes sense that we’d notice physical changes about this time (28.5 wk ultrasound). What’s miraculous is that we received an accurate diagnosis a full two months ago – at 20 weeks. God gave us a huge heads up to process things and plan and figure out what not do to. Previously, the nursery was going to be ready by Jan. 31 and there was going to be a joint shower with another friend in New Jersey over the holidays. These things didn’t happen because God told us so early and with such clarity. We are incredibly thankful for that blessing and for the time we could spend with our little one together – starting at 20 weeks instead of what would have been even more shocking – finding out the initial diagnosis at 28 weeks, or even later. We’re doing our parenting now – singing songs, talking, laughing and reassuring our little one that she is Ok and she is loved. That time has blessed us also with ongoing and sound advice from other parents who’ve lost infants in a similar way. More on that another time.

That’s it, folks. January 7 was the fourth anniversary of Super K and my first date. (I’ll spare you from our sappiness. Hmm, that rhymes with happiness. Shucks.) January 8 was the friend-who-set-us-up’s birthday as well as, of course, Elvis’ birthday. Have a wonderful season of organization, warm fireplaces, full hearts and praises for God’s mercies – new each day!!

“The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

- Psalm 121:8